hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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