I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
