They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
