Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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