Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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