Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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