I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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