i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
