i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
