At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
