So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
