How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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