She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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