I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
