Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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