even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
