Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
