One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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