tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
