we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
