So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
