a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
