You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
did i walk over a car last night?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
