I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
