Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
