I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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