Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
