I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
