Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
