Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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