Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
