I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dignity is for republicans.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
