Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
