your parents love me but you hate me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
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