shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
