1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
