I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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