Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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