Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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