I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
