This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
