I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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