I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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