I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
