we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
