On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Sober January is a disaster.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i now understand why vodka
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
