Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
