I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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