Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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