What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
